Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Another Question Out Of Nowhere.

Let me preface... this is not about me. At all. I'm not even involved with anyone seriously at the moment. And did you know there was a such thing as black tulips? I didn't. They're kinda cute. I am off subject.

Sooooo... with that in mind.

Your partner... your romantic partner of a year... tells you that s/he's no longer attracted to you.

"I just don't find you hot anymore."

"How long have you felt this way?"

"Since Halloween."

"I'm shocked. I had no clue you felt this way."

"I'm trying to work through this. It's not about anyone else. But I still want to be your partner."

This is after a year of dating. Good qualities in both partners -- the kind mama would love in your partner. Open communication. No money drama, no ex drama, no family drama. Vacations planned and tickets bought for spring and summer trips already.

Would you stay? Would you leave? Would you wait until the partner works through his/her attraction issues? How would you feel? Have you ever lost the physical attraction toward a partner, but still had love/feelings that made it worthwhile to stay? Did you work through it? Could you be in a non-physical romantic relationship?

Just wondering.

Now offer some of your thoughts. Or use this as a basis for a short story or character profile you're creating on your own. It's cool with me.


Dayne Avery said...

Great topic! The loss of physical attraction usually has a correlation with something else that is lacking in the relationship.

Unless the basis of the pairing is a shallow looks only kind of thing, your partner should be attracted you to on the inside as well as the outside. (Hmmmm that gives me another question...What do you do when you loose the spiritual attraction, sexual chemistry, or emotional connection?)

Anyway, If my partner told me they were no longer attracted to me, it would sting. However, there is a deeper reason for loosing just a physical attraction. I think I would leave.

If they've lost a physical attraction, the other attractions are soon to flea too if they havent already.

T Dot said...

Just passing through and your question intrigued me. Thought I'd add my two cents.

I agree with Dayne. Attraction is so much more than just physical beauty - it's spiritual, mental and physical. Looking back on past boyfriends, I would wonder what I ever saw in them. They weren't model fine, but something about them - the way they walked, the passion they had about life, or what have you - made them attractive to me. If your significant other is to the point where they no longer find you attractive in their eyes, it speaks to a deeper loss of connection. I say move on.

Da Jardin said...

This is so I have to comment this am...were you talking about me...I could have sworn...

We took some time for honesty to hit home and for me afterwards to realize...they're underlying issues/demons we masked as humans... and our need to be loved and find love overshadows our issues/demons when we do find that special person (or so we thought) to love.

"Love me for me...not your idea of my external me."

Reg said...

I would stay. I would ask what it is that has changed about me to change his level of attraction, and if I could revert back to the good times, I would. As long as the physical attraction is the only that that has dwindled. If both partners are willing to compromise, to change a little for each other than all should be good.


Joseph said...

igSometimes us, gay men, are so involved in the idea of a perfect romance or relationship that we forget all reason. Yes, your partner telling you that he is no longer attracted physically would most definitely hurt, but we forget that we are men, gay and living in the 21st century; and while a relationship shouldn't be based on physically attraction alone, the fact of the matter is that it is a huge part of the deal.

Now in the situation the guy says that he wants to try to overcome, which is key word, and he did manage to remain in the relationship for a couple of months, so the brotha really does want to try to keep the relationship. I think thats enough reason to give it a try.

As much as the declaration would hurt, if a boyfriend (or partner, although is year doesn't deserve the title) said that to me with intentions of fixing it then I would listen. That takes balls. Let's face it relationships are hard to find, keep and we aren't perfect (spiritual nonsense aside... ;)! It would then be a matter of asking him 'why isn't you attracted.' Is it because I have gained twenty pounds or stopped swimming three times a week? Is it because I went from sportin', I don't know, Fubu to rockin' Kenneth Cole? is the because my constant whining about life being unfair has turned you off?...

I don't know about you Fred or your fellow commentors, but sometimes (if not always) we have that certain image, that certain thing that we like and takes us there... in the bed I mean. And while that might sound horrible, we all do need to get off so don't front!

So yeah... (enough with the rant! lol) one thing we have over the rest of the population (especially straight men) is that we have to toughen our hearts in order to survive, we can't be so sensitive. If what we have means something, then like any other issues the relationship will face, i'm all for working it out.


D-Place said...

I would stay. Relationships take work especially long term ones. I think this person was at least being honest...and you have to respect that and if you want the relationship to work maybe there is something that you can do to bring the attraction back. Age can be cruel to us...but can you imagine being in a relationshp with someone whose not attracted to you. I think that would be miserable.